Why you are both at a level 10 by 3pm on a Tuesday, and what to do instead of asking what's wrong five times.
The school year is in full swing. They have had their first few assignments, maybe a test. There are football games, homecoming and Halloween parties, plus all the regular dance, sports, clubs and parents working full time. You can feel the holiday season, and the bills, creeping in.
She is short with you. You are waking up in the middle of the night worrying whether you remembered to switch the laundry. You are both trying to hold it all together, and everyone is walking on eggshells. Then you ask her how her day was. She doesn't answer right away because she is looking at her phone. You get annoyed and snap at her, she gets triggered, and it is World War 3 at 3pm on a Tuesday.
What is going on, for both of you
During perimenopause, hormone shifts, sleep disturbances, busier schedules and less movement can all increase anxiety. If you have an underlying anxiety issue, this time in your life can definitely make it worse.
Your teen may be experiencing her own, in her own way. Maybe she is worried about new, harder classes, finishing all her work, making time for friends, friend drama or new activities. Maybe she is getting angry more often, or keeping herself busy. Maybe you are doing the same. And when it finally gets quiet, you start worrying about everything that is causing your anxiety.
So what is anxiety? It is the anticipation of a future potential threat. In other words, it is your brain trying to protect you from a scary situation it made up. Ever worried at the doctor before a shot or a procedure? Usually, once it happens, you take a big breath and realize, "That was not so bad."
So what is the antidote for anxiety? Doing. It is showing your brain that whatever it is, it is not so life-threatening.
“Anxiety is your brain trying to protect you from a scary situation it made up.”
Here's a scenario
Your daughter comes home. She throws her bag down and plops on the sofa. She seems "off." In your head, you are already starting down the rabbit hole.
You: You okay?
Her: Yep.
You: You're not. What's wrong?
Her: I'm fine.
You: Are you sure? Do you feel all right? Are you sick? Do you not want to go to sports?
Her: (getting irritated) I said I'm FINE!
You: Did you eat anything?
Her: MOM! STOP!
You: What is wrong???
Then you walk away running through all the possibilities in your head, and you both end up more anxious and now pissed off at each other.
So what can you do?
Acknowledge. You were already at a level 10 before she came home. With all the changes at the start of the school year, maybe she is too. Just because she has never experienced anxiety before does not mean it is not happening now.
Boundaries. Let her know you want to talk, but give her space. Make her favorite snack, or go for a car ride and blast her favorite song. Don't ask about it. Just be there.
Care Plan. Managing anxiety is a must, for both of you. At some point in their lives, everyone experiences some anxiety, even without a clinical diagnosis. My favorite way to manage mine is movement and writing. I walk, and then I brain dump. I am not trying to fix anything; I am just getting it all out. Sometimes I figure out a solution. Most of the time, once you see it in writing, you can tell it is not as bad as you were worrying it was.
Help your daughter find what works for her. If she needs an hour after school to decompress by talking to friends, give it to her. If she is a writer, or she needs a snack, whatever helps her reset now will help her in the future.
If either of you is dealing with anxiety that regularly affects your daily life in a negative way, it is time to call the doctor.
FROM MY KITCHEN
Sheet Pan Butternut Squash Soup
When you are anxious, the last thing you want to think about is what's for dinner. Soup is an easy alternative, and it goes in a thermos for school, work or busy sports nights.
WHAT YOU NEED
1 container chopped butternut squash (or frozen, in a pinch)
1 onion, chopped
A couple of cloves of garlic
Minced 1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1 apple, chopped
Olive oil, salt, pepper, dried sage and a little honey
Chicken broth
WHAT YOU DO
Spread everything on a sheet pan. Drizzle with olive oil, season with salt, pepper and a little dried sage, and add a light drizzle of honey.
Roast at 425°F for 30 minutes.
Transfer to a pot or a large mixing bowl and add chicken broth until it is the consistency you like.
Blend with an immersion blender, or in batches in a regular blender.
BEFORE YOU PULL OUT OF THE LOT
What you can do today
Help her name it. The most important thing is teaching your daughter to recognize and name her anxiety.
Name yours, too. Do the same for yourself, out loud.
Let her see your plan. Watching you create strategies to manage yourself will help her feel empowered to do the same.
See you in the parking lot. My inbox is always open.
